Thunder and Roses

Where the dragon sleeps

2007-02-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

It is said that between the place where you dream of what your life could be and the place where reality is - that is where the dragon of regret lives.

I thought that was interesting...

I think the trick is learning to live fully right where you are at.

Or you might be like me and wake up one day and realise what you thought was a "detour" of your life just might have stopped being a detour and joined with the main road and you completely missed the transition...

Sometimes it still hurts...

2007-01-01T19:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the pain of losing him makes me drop to my knees and press my hands against my chest while sobs wrack my body... and I scream out his name...

And I wonder if his heart can still hear mine...

And this is why I love Country

2006-12-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

Its not the music of the soul, many hate the twang that is so characteristic of it, but I love it because its the music of life. Its written from experience, its written from life's lessons, struggles, joys and tribulations. Its written to tell a story, and that story connects us all in some way, shape, or form... I might be way off base and you might not disagree, but its how I feel.

This song caught my heart today. Once again, the words I'm thinking that I could never fully express. Emotions that need to remain locked away in my heart given voice through the lyrics...

If you see him, tell him I wish him well
How am I doing? Well, sometimes it's hard to tell
I still miss him more than ever
But please don't say a word
If you see him.
If you see him.

If you see her, tell her I'm doing fine
And if you want to, say that I think of her from time to time
Ask her if she ever wonders where we both went wrong
If you see her.
If you see her.

Oh, I still want her
And I still need him so
Oh, I don't know why we let each other go

If you see her, tell her the lights still on for her
Nothing's changed,
Deep down the fire still burns for him
And even if it takes forever, say I'll still be here
If you see him.
If you see her.
If you see him.
If you see her...

Brooks & Dunn & Reba McIntire

Monday morning

2006-12-02T22:53:00.000-08:00

I am often amazed.

Emotions can be such a fickle thing.
And they can cloud rational judgement.

The weekends are a little rough on me. I love the week days because I am busy and around people and working.

I was a hermit this weekend. And it was a good thing.
I slept all day Saturday. So needed.
And then decorated the tree with mom. So much fun.
And finally got everything in my room reorganised since I got everything home from the storgae space in the city.
It feels so good to go through cloests and drawers and throw out and let go.
Make the space mine again.

And yes, I know being a hermit is not a good thing for a people person like me.
But its been very good for me lately cause I've needed the time out.

Things have been falling into place and making more sense.
Its hard to put it into words.

Me lately

2006-11-29T09:12:00.000-08:00

I find myself in such an interesting emotional place these days.

I have decided to not be a hermit anymore
And to try to not be so sad all the time.
Still doesn't stop me from staying in most all the time,
or crying every day.

I have awful nightmares now.
I lose someone who meant so much to me.

And then I wake up fearful and sick.
And I relive it.
And the self hatred is hard to fight.

I'm taking one day at a time.
I'm going to get where I need to be if I just let myself have the time it takes to heal
To start to love myself enough

Its so hard to look back and see the failures...
To openly and honestly examine ones's self and see the faults
And then to know that you might never be forgiven by some

And then the realisation that you haven't even forgiven yourself.

But I'm getting there.
One day at a time.

I can't change the past.
Don't even really want to, because there is good in the bad stuff too.
But I want to grow and learn from it.

So its one little choice at a time.
Cause all I need is time.

And I feel better already, cause I made the choice to let myself have the time.
Took the pressure off myself.
And I have people in my life would are encouraging me to take all the time I need.

Special people.
And despite everything each day is beautiful.
And I've already come a long way.

Today, I remember.

2006-11-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

If you see me today, please give me a hug...

Please don't ask why...

Life

2006-11-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

And for all its complications today I was reminded that its really the simple things, stolen moments, and small sweet gifts that make life so beautiful.

It is beautiful.

Just live.

One day at a time.

For a season, for a moment...

melancholy ramblings

2006-11-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

Been busy working.

Offically heading to Mexico for a week on Sunday.
Looking forward to white sand beaches, snorkling, sun tanning.
Time.

And must make some concrete plans for January.
Yeah.

But then sometimes the best paths in life are the ones that I didnt plan on takeing.
You know, the detours.
And the people that had the biggest impact on my life?
Those are the ones I didn't plan on meeting.

Life looks different these days.
I've drawn back into myself.
Lost myself.
Found myself.
I just need time.
December scares me.
I'm not ready for intensity.
I just need time.
Because I want to be brave.
And I'm only brave when I'm with someone.
And I am feeling this stirring to go be brave.
To make a difference in the lives of others.
To stand alone.
To stand together.
Because I want to be me.

Lately Ive been trying
To fill up my days since youre gone
The speed of love is blinding
And I dont know how to hold on
My mind wont clear
Im out of tears
My hearts got no room left inside

How many dreams will end
How long can I pretend
How many times will love pass me by
Until I find you again

Will the arms of hope surround me
Will time be a fair weather friend
Should I call out to angels
Or just drink myself sober again
I cant hide its true
I still burn for you
Your memory just wont let me go

Id hold you tighter
Closer than ever before
No flame would burn brighter
If I could touch you once more.
Hold you once more

~Until I find you again: Richard MArx

I just need time...

2006-10-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

Work is going well.
We finally got all my stuff moved out from storage in the city.
Now I'm trying to move into my room.

And to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Friends at work joke that I am having a quarter life crisis.
If only they knew.

I just need time.
Please give me time.
Please...

Call me a fool...

2006-10-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

Doc Walker -Call me a fool

Oh girl I dont know what to say
I feel you love me less each day
You seem so far away
And there's not a kiss thats strong enough I could give to keep your love
To change my mistake
So you packed your bags said you needed a break and you left me here to wait
So you might come back some day

So I'm holdin' on
In spite of what they say
They said man she's gone and only a fool would wait
And call me a fool
Cuz im a fool
With no where else to be
And nothing left to do
Call me a fool
Cuz I'm a fool
Theres no where I'd rather be
Then waiting here for you
So call me a fool

Oh girl the time goes by so slow
Just staring at the door
Just hoping you'll walk through
So if i hang on long enough
Would I be worth your love
Cuz that's something I could do
I'm just holdin on
Despite of what they say
They said man she's gone
And only a fool would wait

And call me a fool
Still holding on
In spite of what they say
They said man she's gone
And only a fool would wait
Then call me a fool
Cuz I'm a fool
With no where else to be
And nothing left to do

Theres no where I'd rather be
Then waiting here for you...

Waiting with hope in Him,
C

Thankful

2006-10-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for many things.
The weekend is over.
It seems silly to be thankful that the long weekend is over. But I am glad it is. It was a very long weekend.
I am thankful for dear friends like C and A, who met me for coffee and supper this weekend. Who did nothing other than talk, and listen, and laugh with me. They are dear friends and I am blessed that they are in my life. Thank you.
I am thankful for daddies - like mine who make me laugh, and protect me... I am blessed.
For a mom who goes shopping with me, and makes my lunch for work. I am very blessed cause is not only mother, but best friend. She just listens, and loves. Its unconditional.
I am thankful for my brother. Who is closer to me than I really appreciate. I love him for being his crazy self, and making my life that much more interesting in the process.
I am thankful that my Grandparents (who are ageing so quickly these days) met D, and had the time with me to pass on so much wisdom, and bad habits too.
I am thankful for sunshine and bad hair days- cause then I get to laugh. And that in itself is a gift.
In all of the confusion, pain, and regret of my life - I cannot forget that life is a gift. And just like I took the moment to blog about how awful I was finding it, I am taking a moment to enjoy it, for all that it is. Eyes wide open, heart still sore...
But tonight I am thankful, oh so very thankful for the chance to Just Live.

As always, with hope,
C

Yesterday and today

2006-10-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

Despair so intense it takes over my soul.
I feel the cold steel against my lips.
The barrel hitting the back of my throat,
I choke.
Desperate for peace.

I press the blade against my skin,
I feel the cold steel on my wrist.
Imagine the pool of blood at my feet,
I cry.
Desperate for relaease.

The feel of rope around my neck.
The pain as it bites into my tender flesh.
I am a shell of the woman I long to be.
Please...
Desperate to be free.

******

That's where I was yesterday.

Today, I cried today for someone other than selfish little me.

www.joinamnesty.ca

Go there. Click it now.
Because we can't be silent.
Because the funny thing about hope is that you find it when you give it to someone else.
Atleast I did.

With renewd hope
C

Learning just to live

2006-10-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not handling my emotions well tonight.

I'm standing at the window, budgie on my finger, watching the leaves change befor emy eyes.
Watching the seasn change.
Amazed agan at the lessons one can learn from nature -the paraleles to life.
Why does it ran when I cry?
It always does.
And the seasons always change.
They have too. Its a cycle.
Just like life.

Unless you are from a small town.
Here things don't change.
People dont change.
They get older, fatter, skinnier, pregnant.
But you get out, or decide never to change.

It seems like a simpler world.
But you only say that if you don't live here.

My eyes stray back to my little budgie.
He's my companion.
He doens't say big things.
But then he doens't make promises he can't keep.
Talk is cheap.

Wish it wasn't so cheap.

Actions always speak louder than words.

I just want to be loved.
Its all I ever wanted.
I want to be married.
But I've seen some broken home, broken people.
They all had hopes
They hoped their's would be different.
Does it have to be unhappiness or divorce?

Selah.

I think all things should begin and end with hope.

And we need to remember what a blessing friends are.

Look for the silver lining... or the kittens hidden away.
Rainbows only follow the storm.

Those are the gift moments.

Frost in the morning

2006-10-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

It was so beautiful this morning.

I drove out of the yard on the way to work and saw the way that the fog hug in the low spots, and it too my breath away. I can't even begin to describe it, it was so beautiful. It made me happy to be alive.

The song post of my last entry should have had some explaination with it I guess. It was one of my favorite songs when I was a little girl. And funny how now that I have grown up its become even more dear to my heart. Someone called me wise this morning at work. Wise for soemone so young. It made me stop and think. I don't often feel wise. Especially when I compare my life to those around me. Especially when I look back on the choices I've made in the last 4-5 years. Not many of them have been wise. Do I regret any of them? I used to say that I didnt believe in having regrets, but I do. I regret a number of them, some more than others. I don't nessisarily regret where some of them took me, what I learned because of them, and how my life changed - not all of them were bad. But I have decided that its time to start learning from the mistakes of others around me, cause I can't make many more of the bad choices like I've made in the last little while, and feel the pain of all the loss that accompanied and live to tell about it.

But I've heard two very simple phrases in the last two days which has given me a little lift.

The first is this-----The truly happy people are the ones who enjoy the scenery while on detour.

And this ----Just live.

With hope
C

A song usually says it best...

2006-10-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

Twila Paris - the Warrior is Child

A decidedly lighter post

2006-09-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, and its about time too I suppose. Mom and me and dad are headed up to the city and I am going to do soemthing fun and different with my hair. aka I'm thinking about going back to my natural color.

With hope,

C

Tough...

2006-09-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

I had a moment of clarity this morning and I thought it meant one thing... but what I thought would happen, didn't.
I felt so close to D all day.
I should be on the road driving to him, and it is taking every ounce of will power to sit here and type this and not grab my bag and go.
I know it.
I can't stop the tears that are cascading down my face.
I'm angry because I feel so much pressure to perform now.
How can I make a choice to go do "something big" when those around me are waiting for me to do so, watching and making decsions based on that.
I would have made those choices anyway.
So if I have so much clarity and certainy then why am I not on the road or why when I had my cell phone out and his numbe dialed did I not just press send?
One word. Fear.
Obedience in the small things is the key to God's greatest blessings...
Its been such a long week...
I've been broken and healed, and changed.
Forever changed.
God is enough, He was always enough.
I never had to convince myself of that.
I'm content here,
I'm so wanting to be there.
I am crying.
But I can laugh.
I am grounded. So grounded.
Never in so much pain.
And never felt so strong.

Clarity

2006-09-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

And then Clarity dawns with completeness.

Pray that its raining on Sunday...

2006-09-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is from a country song... I was humming it when I stepped out of work. It was raining so I thought of it, and because its thursday, and I should have been packing to go to Regina this weekend, and songs aout love and tenderness make me think of him. No wait, check that, nearly every song makes me think of him... *soft sigh* Sorry, I'm still not making it through the day without needing to pause at some point, usually in the quiet of the morning before I rise out of bed, or at night before I drift close my eyes to sleep, to stop and press my hand to my heart. It aches.

Its on a day like today when I remember that I would have enjoyed living in Scotland. I enjoy these cloudy cool days. I dunno, maybe its those irish roots coming out, but I love feeling the cool damp wind, and just that rainy day feel. Everything gets very green when there is so much moisture and I like that too.

And while I am lvoing the quiet of my life, I hate it too. I love to be around people and part of something bigger than myself. I've come to realise that that is why I loved choir so much. Being a part of the exec, and veing part of that group did a lot for my heart. I need to find some new place to put my energy. I liked being able to put into people too, to share struggles and fun. Lots of fun.

Anyway, I was on the floor today at work. And it was a happy busy productive day. I like dressing up for work, and having my own desk... makes me feel very grown up. Makes me smile. Dad and I went out for lunch, and laughed, well I giggled, as I hopped around the puddles and mud of the parking lot. I kinda wanted to slip my high heel shoes off and just stand for a second with my toes in the mud, lift my face to the sky, and just enjoy the rain. Maybe jump around a little... Can you imagine, me in my black dress, pink overcoat dancing barefoot in the puddles? :) Its sounding like a good idea even now...

With hope.
C

memory lane

2006-09-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

*soft sigh*

Tonight was a long night. As the title of this post indicates I took a walk down memory lane, or rather, I pulled out the boxes that contain the memories of my life. Some of the boxes are full of years, the ones that my mom has been working on... I glanced at those. I concentrated mostly on the boxes that I myslef had packed. It was time to let go of the past. I smiled through most of the stuff. The ticket stubs, the pictures of smiling... but I have found myself settled into a quiet mood now. You see, I left the letters for last. I don't know why, but I missed it all when it was happening. Now years later as I read the letters I wonder at my blindness. I just simply didnt see. Maybe that is a blessing, maybe its the way that it is supposed to be. I think that I was just too immature and afraid, back then I was always afraid that I just couldn't see or understand what was happening in the hearts of those around me. I am saddened now, and that soft feeling of missed blessings slips into my heart as I realise that in that immaturity or that fear, or becuase I jsut didn;t understand I missed some really neat people. I knew them, but I didn't know them. I think back and its not how I remember it, gess time and life change people. And maybe its only when we have these quiet nights of being alone to look back do we truly see how blessed we are. There were people in my life that I didn't always consider a blessing and now I just hope that in my ignorance I was a little bit of the blessing to them as they (I now realise) were to me. Guess those moments are meant to change you. Its in these moments of quiet regret that you realise how precious life is, and you make the decision in your heart to not miss those people again.

Wow... its been a long week. Tonight the rubber met the road - I didn't go to choir, to the slideshow, to the kareoke night... and I admit, I cried. It was hard to not go to be with those people who have meant so very much to me. Unfortunatly, tonight I realise that I need to add their names to the list of people that I just didn't fully or truly appreciate until everything had changed. Guess I'm learning a lot of life lessons the hard way.

So let me end this emotional update this way. If you ever had a part in my life, no matter how big or small and I didn't fully appreciate you, never took the time to hug you or to let you know that I am glad you are in my life, please hear my heart tonight and knw that I am so thankful for your part in my life, how your prescene in it shaped me and changed me. I am a better person becuase I got to know you.

C

I keep adding to this post!

2006-09-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

So today was an interesting day. Nothing too exciting happened. Work still finds me sitting at a training deck, which means that I get a longer break and paid to do nearly nothing. yet - tomorrow I start on the working out on the floor. I like the people that I work with so far so we shall see.

There is no way that I could even begin to write down all that has been happening in my heart. I could try...
The Joy of the Lord is my strength.
His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
The Holy Spirit is the Comforter.
Friends are a great gift from God.

I'l comment more on the last one. A new friend who seems like she is a kindred spirit called me today, and just when I needed to talk to someone who would understand me so completely. It was lovely and I was not only able to share the sadness and joy and peace that has been waring in my heart, but I was also able to listen and to give back to her. God really is very good.

*soft sigh* Been doing a lot of thinking and praying in the last few weeks and especially in the last couple of days. And although I have started this paragraph about 4 times I just can't seem to put it into words that would make sense. How can I explain that my heart is brusied and raw, but finally healing, or that I have been giggling so much my side hurts, and so at peace that most of those big scary things in my life right now fade in the light of it?

And I am falling more completely in love.

Good night. Sleep well.

With Hope.

This will sound random

2006-09-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

Emotions are a rollercoaster.
But I'm holding on to the Truth.

I went through my closet and my drawers and my e-mail account and msn list and did a major housecleaning.

Clearing the cobwebs from the corners.

Acts 10:15 - that one brought a lot of peace and comfort to my heart today

Was given a song to bring healing to my heart and to trust Him in this season...

Asked Him to let me feel the Holy Spirit, just for now because without knowing constantly that He is here with me, walking with me, catching me as I fall forward, I can't carry this cross. But this morning I awoke, and sat up to find His prescence and the sweetness that is the Holy Spirit.
And although I press my hand to my heart to try to stop the ache that takes my breath away, or have to fight to breathe when I remember and regret, or fear the future... I have peace.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. Matt 6:33

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways awknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Don't remember where that one is :))

And Isiaiah 43... love that chapter.

Okay, so that is the randomness that is me tonight. And although I could write more supper is ready so I better scamper upstairs.

Letting Hope take hold

Breathe in, breathe out

2006-09-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

As long as I am singing Praise, He takes the pain away...

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Safe in the arms of love

2006-09-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I know its been a while. Does anyone even read this anymore?

I don't even know where to begin really. In the last month or so, I have fallen completely in love with, dare I actually put it in print like this?, the man that I am going to marry. Yes, you read that right. Details? A few I guess... I met him on the internet, and its totally a "God thing". In our first real msn conversation, it only took two minutes and I felt the potential. And then he called me, and we haven't stopped talking since. I'm doing the distance dance right now, but that will hopefully not be for very long.

I offically set the plan in motion to not go back into nursing. My books are even currentlybeing used by a good friend for her nursing. :) I am still content with that decsion. Looking into speech pathology right now...

I am resigning from my position on choir. Which has been a very heartbreaking decsion. I have been crying and sick about it all week, but I just can't seem to get away from the feeling that my life is going in a different direction. I have a whole new persepective on life. And between you and me feel healthier and happier than I have in a very very long time. Haven't even had a depressed thought in months. Tis very sweet. Regardless, I am sad about leaving choir. Right now I am trying to decide if it is a good thing or a bad idea to come back for Sept-Dec as just a member. I dunno. I have the oppotunity to do whatever I want to with January and beyond and I want to be able to take any crazy opportunity that comes my way. You know, the ones that I have not been trying cause I was in school, working, or just plain scared to take a risk or try something new. We will see. I have this weekend to decide.

I just hope that my friends and choir buddies, and my tour partner can forgive me. I still love you all, but its hard to explain, everything has changed, and sigh.

I have a new fantastic job working for the government. Evenings and weekends off, and the opportunity for overtime. We will see. Its only a temp postition, but its good $$, and I am thankful for the oppotunity and the change from my normal retail routine.

Well that's the general on me. Now that my life is settling a little bit, I will make these updates a little more regular. :)

Peace and love,
Me

Quiet

2006-08-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

I love the quiet of the morning.

Personal life, and personal stuff

2006-08-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

So, as some of you already know, and some of you will find out - there is a lot of personal changes going on in my life. And while in the past it would be my habit to blog about it, this time I don't have the same desire to. Maybe cause I've already said too much. Maybe because God being His typical self in my life had left me in a quiet, unmoving state and now suddenly things are happening. Very very suddenly in the case of some things. I made the decsion to not go back to nursing and start talking to my dad again and then wham - crazy things started happening. Thankfully the major goodbye that needed to be said was mutal and painless and I have a friend back. And that is a sweet blessing indeed. Read his blog, he says it all way better than I could.

So, that's my heart this morning. Thinking about the goodbyes, blessings, and the closing doors, and dreaming of the blessings and adventures ahead of me. Stay tuned, more updates to follow.

Hey Prince Charming, this one is for you...

2006-08-01T00:15:00.000-07:00

Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

I think about the years the spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
Its all part of a grander that is coming true

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

My little brother has a six pack?

2006-07-31T00:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, scary thought eh? My mom, dad, and brother are up here for vacation. I'm typing this when I should be asleep- I work in less than 6 hours, but I had too much on my heart and mind to find sleep yet. I guess I should have blogged on it before - for those of you who wondered where I was for a couple of days - I was in Cranbrook with my Oma for a wedding reception and a 50th wedding anniversary. Fun you ask? Well, that depends on your definition of fun. :)

We left right after I finished work on Wednesday and headed to Canyon Hot Springs. We had the sweetest little cabin, and other than not having any cell phone reception and butting heads with Oma a couple of times, it was a good time. Till the trains came through that is. Needless to say - not a whole lot of sleep to be had that night. The next day we took off for Cranbrook, and the day was better. We made good time getting there and enjoyed a nice dinner. My Uncle Ewald (pronouced A' valt) had me laughing the whole night. He also had a lot of wisdom and thoughts on life to pass on and I think that if I was able to absorb even a quarter of what he said then I will be better for it. I got the bed room with the TV and the fan, and I made this my private get-away for most of the weekend. Friday was quiet, till the evening when the big anniversary party happened. Lots of germans, speaking lots of german, and drinking lots of beer and wine. You do the math ;). I heard things said by "sweet little Omas" that one should never hear - ever! But it made for a lot of laughs. (BTW - Oma means grandma in German) I ordered the half chicken, and that is exactly what I got, half of a chicken. It kinda freaked me out seeing the wing and leg and tail - hate to admit it and I wish I had a picture, but I couldn't eat it. It was just too weird. lol Saturday was quiet too, till supper when the wedding reception went down. Yeah, lots of people who didn't recoginize me (think I should get out to more family things more than once every 6 years!) and while I had hoped that some dancing might happen, it didn't for me. New rule, no weddings without an escort or a support buddy. :P And then Sunday was drive home day, which turned out to be very long - Oma and I were tired and we butted heads again.

So, all in all it ended up being a very quiet weekend with me mostly being holed up in that room with my journal, Bible, and the remote control to adjust the volume on the country music channel. I did an awful lot of thinking, and some just sitting without thinking. I came to a couple of conculsions and had the time to let a few of the previously made conclusions really settle in my mind. And I also really found peace in my choice to not go back to nursing and I had a chance to talk to my student advisor before I left so I now know how to not lose my student status, a.k.a. I can come back into the program if I want to.

But, I guess that is my last couple of days in a nut shell. I missed all of you, and I am counting the days till I'm back in Alberta. My last day at Sears is the 14th of August and I'll be home sometime in the couple of days following (I HOPE!). And now I need to sleep for fear I will not be able to function at work tomorrow.

Hugs from me to you

My summer song... Find yourself - Brad Paisely

2006-07-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

When you find yourself
In some far off place
And it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly
You're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself

When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settlin' down
The things the would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you loss your way it's just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself

When you meet the one
That you've been waitin' for
And (he's) everything that you want and more
You look at (him) and you finally start to live for some one else
And then you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself

When we go through life
So sure of where we're headin'
And we wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you loss your way it's just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

2006-07-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

There is much on my heart this morning. Its been a while since I updated my blog here, but I had too much on my mind, and I wasn't ready to share. I made some big decsions this week. I finally made the decsion not to go back into nursing in the fall. And while this decision terrifies me, and worries of the future financail concerns weigh on my mind, I have peace about the choice. The hardest part was telling my dad. He loves me and wants the best for me, but it was not an easy conversation because he wanted me to have a set plan for "what now", and I don't have a what now.

Now, I have a couple other decsions to make. And I am not even going to hint at what those might be because they are choices that I need to make for me. And as much as I love the advice and encouragement of my friends (I LOVE you all dearly!!!!!), these ones are the little decisions that need to come from my heart. I'll update you as I figure things out.

So, now comes the question of how to occupy myself for the next year or so of my life. I have a couple of options rolling around in my head. I found a lot of peace in doing the grocery shopping for my Oma this morning. Allowing myself a moment to not worry about the exam I need to be studying for. Thinking about setting up a home of my own. And those who know me know that I have a bit of baby fever. lol That I might have time to read, or even more so, to write again. I haven't given myself the time to be creative in that way. Or to pursue my love of interpretive dance. Or singing. I've had the house to myself and I've been enjoying singing along (and maybe dancing a little) in the quiet house this morning. Maybe what I need is sometime to just work and take the time to really enjoy everything. My life has been pretty caotic the last five years. But I think I'm finally on the other side of all that. Then comes the thought of should I transfer into business, or take a year and go back into nursing... or should I pursue my love of writing. Or should I just work. Lord knows I'm happiest when I am working and able to throw myself into other ministies... like worship, and might want to do some volunteering. And then comes the aspect of choir and planning all of that. And maybe, I need to be thinking about going away. Like Austrailia, or something crazy. There are only a few ties holding me here - and while they are strong ones, maybe its time that I let go and went and did something crazy and jsut for me? I'm not saying I'm making any sort of decsion today, but these are the thoughts that are rolling around in my brain. And the concerns on my heart.

Work has been going well. Its not a thrilling job for the mind, but I do enjoy the people that I work with. Hmm, not too much more interesting to tell you. At least not yet. I have the next two days off and am bummed that I have no one close to me (my fault I know) to hang out with or just go explore with. Guess I'll venture out and see how far I get on my own. I'm thinking there are a couple places around here that I have always said I should go see, but we never have time. I'll update with my adventures later.

Back!

2006-07-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

So I find myself back in Kelowna. The few days I spent back in Edmonton were full of loveliness and fun. Thanks to everyone who had a part in that. I was able to rodeo it up a bit on Friday night, and it was so much fun! The rodeo was a little rained on, but the sky cleared later that evening and I was able to dance and it was so nice. Thank you to Andrew for driving me out.

The exec retreat had me excited and nervous. But I was nervous for naught. It was so much fun, and although there is a lot of work to be done to plan Tour, I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime ;) and I am so excited. The exec group is fabulous and I look forward to working alongside you all this coming school year.

Speaking of the school year I am now nearly sure that I won't be in the nursing faculty come September. I had a chance to talk to my mom and to just think about it. I'm not happy in it. But still scared to think about something different. And I know that if I am not in school in September that that will bother me. So that leaves me to search out other options...

Monday was a sweet day...

I also got to chat with my brother, and that was neat. He's misunderstood I think. But that was my "weekend" in a nutshell. I had more to say I know it but I can't remember it now. I'll blog tomorrow after work... I don't want to go to work.

Awake too early

2006-07-07T06:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Goodbye
(Terri Clark/Beth Nielsen Chapman/Annie Roboff)

I've got an ice-cold cup of coffee
And a paper I havn't read
A canyon in my heart
And a hammer in my head
And a waitress with an empty stare
That looks right through me
I'm sitting at a table
And I'm balancing the salt
Weighing out my choices
Baby, It's nobodys fault
And I'm torn up by these voices
Talking to me
You say there's no good reason
For me to walk away
You say there's so much good between us
Who would'nt want to stay
But how can I be with you
If deep down I believe I'll loose a part of me

Sometimes goodbye is the only open door
I can't turn back when I know there's something more
I gotta find what my heart beats for

I've got a half a page of reasons
And a napkin full of tears
From trying to pull my spirit
Through the pocket of my fears
As the lunch croud emptys out
Into the city
And there may not be a way for me
To make you understand
I'll write down the words I'm feeling
And I'll leave it in your hands
But the memories of our love
I'm taking with me
You say there's no good reason
For me to walk away
You say we're meant to be together
And I'm making a mistake
But this emptiness inside me
Has brought me to this road and I have to let you go

Sometimes goodbye is the only open door
I can't turn back when I know there's something more
I gotta find what my heart beats for

For the passion everlasting
For deepest dream
For a chance to love like that
There is no in between

Sometimes goodbye is the only open door
I can't turn back when I know there's something more
I gotta find what my heart beats for

Sigh

2006-07-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

I went for a run this morning. Early. Mostly because I couldn't sleep. I'm worrying about things again. Thinking about a lot that I can't control, or that which already done and cannont be changed. I usually tell myself not to have regrets, they only cause me to stumble and think about all that I've done and how I've failed, or how far I am from where I wanted to be. I just keep telling myself that I just need to pick myself up, take the lessons from the bumps, and move on. But then sometimes in the quiet of the night or the morning the thoughts are too much for me. Like today, I'm worrying about what I'm going to do with myself in September. Nothing new right?

Then I was thinking, and this is something that I have been thinking about all summer... maybe even before this. Being away has allowed to me to step back, in a sense, from my life and see some things clearly. And I haven't liked what I've seen on the whole. The biggest one on my heart this morning is how I have let people down. My mother has always told me to (and some of you will know this verse) "Let your yes be yes,and your no be no". I'm one of those people that there seems to be a big difference between going and gone. I'm scared of nearly everything. Of succeding, of failing; I guess my perfectionist nature kicks in. The last couple of years have been complicated with a struggle with both depression and suicide.

I felt like I had been thrown into a white-water rafting kind of river and there was no way to rescue myself. Thankfully I have Someone watching out for me, and He's sent some people to draw along side of me and hold me long enough to get my feet back under me. I owe them a lot. But there is still that feeling some days I'm swept back under the current.

I can handle someone being angry with me, but I can't handle it if I dissappointed someone. And that's what I am fighting this morning. I'm headed back to Edmonton for the choir exec retreat and this has caused me some thinking about how much better of a job I could do this year. I won't make any excuses, but I know that there was a bar of standard and I missed it. No one said anything to me, and for that I am thankful, but I know they were thinking it. I'm sorry guys. I won't let myself be intimidated this year or drop the ball the way I did last year. Thanks to everyone who picked up the slack for me. I've gotten sorted what I needed sorted... which is good :) considering that its Tour that me and the lovely Miss Sarah are planning this year.

Well, I've said enough. I better start throwing stuff into a bag. I work today and I leave tomorrow. This weekend has me nervous. And for anyone close to me, you know why. I haven't planned much, to go dancing or hit up a rodeo on Friday afternoon/eve (maybe). Then Sat and Sun are retreat days. Sunday afternoon is free time, same with Monday and part of Tuesday. Then flying back here.

I just want to dance with you

2006-07-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

I just want to dance with you" -George Strait

"I don't want to be the kind to hesitate,
Be too shy, wait too late
I don't care what they say other lovers do,
I just want to dance with you.

I gotta feeling that you have a heart like mine,
So let it show, let it shine.
If we have a chance to make one heart of two,
I just want to dance with you.

I want to dance with you, twirl you all around the floor
That’s what they intended dancin' for,
I just want to dance with you.
I want to dance with you, hold you in my arms once more,
That’s what they invented dancin’ for,
I just want to dance with you.

I caught you lookin' at me when I looked at you,
Yes I did, ain't that true?
You won't get embarrassed by the things I do,
I just want to dance with you.

Oh the boys are playin' softly and the girls are too,
So am I and so are you.
If this was a movie, we'd be right on cue,
I just want to dance with you.

I want to dance with you, twirl you all around the floor
That’s what they intended dancin' for,
I just want to dance with you.
I want to dance with you, hold you in my arms once more,
That’s what they invented dancin’ for,
I just want to dance with you.

I just want to dance with you,
I just want to dance with you,
I just want to dance with you. "

This has always been one of my favorite songs. And anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I adore dancing. Diamonds are not this girl's best friend, nope, that would be a song and someone who knows how to lead me on the dance floor.

And in other news I'm talking to him... Guess who can't get that silly smile off her face.

Mine hero?

2006-07-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

Oma's making supper. I am sitting and waiting for the burning at the site of my fracture to stop. I just worked another day. People comment that I am always working, and I guess for now its true. Its certainly okay, I don't have a life out here. I should be making much more time for studying than I am and maybe some time for acutal vacation time, Lord knows that I could certainly use some time to just be away and not think about how far behind I am, or how far away I am from what I want to be doing. Of course that leaves the question unanswered of what do I want to be doing? Yes, for all of those who have been with me in the last year of my life, I am, yet again, asking the question of do I want to go back to university. ... I'll add more later. Supper is ready.

So supper is done, and I watched some tele with my Oma, and played a couple of card games, I won... but I also had some time to think... And talk to a freind who had the guts to tell me about unfair expectations and some mixed up thinking. And while it made me upset at the time, I'm glad he said something. It still bothers me tho, ever feel like you are the one who always needs to change? Like you are the one who is always and ever aware of your faults? That's me. And most days I think, now why can't I just get it together. At least on one level. Atleast I no longer wait for things to get bad, I guess I'm learning to accept it as just life. lol Kind of how I am learning to accept and love my extra curves. Its not like it was when I was 18 when I could lose and gain weight no problem... :P Now it truly is "a minute on the lips, a life time on the hips"!!! Oi!

But more than the bf issues I am still wondering about what I am going to do with my life. This has just been such a big issue for me. I love people and I want to help them, I want to make a difference. And I want to be happy. I want a job and a life that lets me be busy and yet lets me have the time to enjoy what is most important to me. The people around me. I am still mulling ideas over in my head so that will be talked about more later I am sure.

As for the boyfriend, well fact of the matter is that regardless that he hasn't called and as I am dealing with a lot of emotions and confusion cause I don't know what he is thinking and worry cause I don't know, I just don't know... I still want to see him, and want to let this work. This relationship has the potential to be a healthy and happy one. I'd like that. I would really like to have a healthy and happy relationship. You know the one where I would acutally feel free and safe enough to be completely me? Yeah, and now as I want to point the finger, I was so gently and honestly told that it is me that needs to do and be so much of what I want to expect my bf to be. Sad, but oh so true. I have this image of what a relationship should look like, and I've come so very close, and I treasure each of the loves I have known - I have been blessed to have known a very great love, two actually - but with the knowledge and the love comes the scars and the fears that I find myself carrying into this new relationship. My life feels so messed up that really maybe I shouldn't be sharing it with anyone till I have it figured out. I keep wanting someone to come in and rescue me. To be my steady, when I am not. To love me on the days when I don't love myself. To help me to laugh when I want to cry. And to hold me so I can cry. Tall order. Oh yeah, and he has to be the one who I feel that "spark" with. And then comes the other list. I'm a person of never ending lists. So on this night when I had planned to rant about how my needs were not being met I discover that I needed to rant about myself. That I am the only one who can decide to meet my needs, knowing that sometimes the need will be met by someone else in my life. And I guess I need someone who has a lot of patience to deal with me. For all my dating experience, I have just as much to learn. And for all my boasts of independence and my honest love for it, I really want to be around someone that I can share my life with. And, have them share their lives with me. I'm not a girl who wants a fancy date all the time, or even often. I'm not a movie and dinner girl. I'm a walk in the park, sit on the swings and talk, girl. I'm a drive in the countryside, stop for a picnic, go for a hike, girl. And even more than that, I'm a let's do soemthing together girl. Regardless of if that is studying, or working on a project, or in a ministy together.

Guess its time to be my own hero and get a life. I can't share one if I don't have one. Am I brave enough to do that? Do I believe in myself enough to try?

2006-07-03T01:20:00.000-07:00

It's late. I should be asleep. But its always in the quiet of the night that I find myself the most creative, the most true to myself. Maybe that's why I write or stay up as late as I do... It is now, finally that I am the most at peace, when I can see things so clearly. Finally I hear myself think. I can hear the song of my heart.

I hope things start making sense for me, and I hope I don't make the wrong decsion...

2006-06-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'm so restless... as I am composing this I am running laps in the half block right outside my Oma's place... Staying in the light of the steet light, so Oma can relax, but I still need my time alone. I've already ran once today, but I needed to get out again. I'm so restless. I feel like there is a restless spirit around me, when I'm not moving then it catches up with me. I am hating myself for not accomplishing all the studying that I wanted to, again. And I am fighting both tears and resentment - I should have talked to him long before this moment. I should have told him my expectations (I hate that word) but it felt so forced, and I wanted him to feel free in this relationship. I should have shared how much it was bothering me - if I could have figured out how to do that without him feeling like he failed... So I push myself harder, till my lungs hurt and my legs feel like mush. At least then I can't feel like I failed, I just wish he would call. I miss him and have no idea if he's missing me... or even what he's thinking.

Now I am interupted. People walk by and I know they wonder why I am doing this simple laps, but I ignore them... I miss my friends. I miss my Mom. And my dad, I could use his silly "dad" jokes right now. I want to laugh. I really love to laugh. I want to sit around the fire at the "House of Greenwood" and listen to all those that I love the most talk. I love to listen to the voices around me. I never had somewhere like that where I could belong. Being away from you all is hard. But I needed to get some thoughts straight - ask those who know me best - but I can't wait to be back in August...

I've settled into a walk now, and my thoughts have settled on key people who have come to mean a great deal to me. People who have been better friends to me than I have ever been to anyone. People like Andrew (who calls me and makes me laugh or just listens) and Ken... you two have so much wisdom and I thank you for taking the time to listen to me and share. To Carla, I think I am going to keep your swim suit. Or Meghan, I adore you and our chats... may there be many more in the year ahead. Grant, you changed my life. Michael, you were the one who had always been there, and Kristin, I would have never come on tour or staying in choir if not for you. Or Brandon and Laura... Catherine, Jared, Rachel, Andrew, Kaleb, Angela, Men Yi, Blaine, Jeff, Alison, Sarah, Soren... I have to stop now and beg forgiveness to anyone whose name I did not mention, know that I love you too. And Myles...

And now I grow tired.

Good night.

2006-06-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

I think if I could, I would do it all over again.

But then what lessons would I never learn?

Who would I miss because I never met?

What blessing have I missed because I was afraid?

And which blessings did I miss because I choose my own way?

Something to think about...

Not much happening in my day today. Just studying and going to get some sun and tan away my tan lines - well some of them anyway. Oh, and eat the fresh cherries off the tree. :)